Review: The Pyramid

Being a huge horror/thriller fan I had to watch this movie regardless of any bad reviews or the cast.

*Spoilers Ahead*

Produced by the team who made ‘The Hills have Eyes’ I knew there would be some softcore porn or rape, I was surprised to see neither. There was a questionable scene where a robot was filming a girl get changed but no nudity was seen only implyed.

Initially we follow Sunny, anchorwoman for her documentary of a new pyramid being discovered due to satellite signals uncovering a tip. Her and cameraman Fitzpatrick aka Fitzy (clunge guy from The Inbetweeners, James Buckley) interview father and daughter about their discovery.

Amongst some loose love affair between Noora Holden and Michael Zahir (a cocky Arab speaking tech guy) you see that they are revoked access to entering the newly discovered pyramid due to uprising in Cairo.

 They literally are packing up to leave by Zahir drives his robot into the pyramid to get footage of the inside but something attacks it ‘maybe it was a wild dog that wondered in’ ohhh no that is most certainly the least likely thing to have ripped this robot into pieces. After intially opening the tomb the poisonous gas killed a man and infected others – animals are much more sensitive to smell and would of ran miles away.

However they decided to set off inside to recover the expensive equipment borrowed from NASA (why they lean’t it to that tool Zahir I will never understand). So despite the Arab solider warning them not too they venture in and get royally lost. Their wire mysteriously gets cut and they feel it is appropriate to remove their masks in the poisonous tomb. Things are going splendid so far, lost, found bits of the robot, the room collapses, Zahir is trapped under a rock. Actually the rock falling on Zahir is probably my favourite part of the movie mixed in with Fitzy’s one liners making this horror some what amusing though it REALLY shouldn’t be.

In an attempt to escape Sunny, reveals she rock climbs in her spare time and climbs up but gets her faces scratched by some unknown beast. I think they are starting to get somewhat worried. They leave Zahir to sit around and bleed to death while they look for another way out but he would be lucky to have such a painless death. Something rips his body away from the rock and takes him up the hole.

At this point you realise there are more than one entity in the tomb and they are hungry. This leads to them shitting themselves and running, which is ALWAYS a bad idea, they trip over traps or in the Dr’s case, he presses stuff he shouldn’t be and sets off a trap, Indiana Jones/Goonies style they run through the corridor to avoid being suffocated by the sand being let in.#

The strongest and most agile person, Sunny, avoids everything to stop at the spike pit to have FItzy run and accidentally push her in to it. The next part is more cringe worthy then the torture in the Saw movies, she has spikes in her chest shoulder leg and guess what those creatures comes out. Looking like pet cats of the Pharoahs buried alongside them they start eating her. I can only imagine the agony of having being impaled to being then ripped apart. They light flares to scare the zombie kitties away but she dies from shock and wel you see her face has become highly infected from the scratch, she wasn’t going to survive either way.

Through common sense and Egyptian know how the father and daughter deduce the cats survived by eating each other and breeding. Again stuff I found interesting but Fitzie kept telling them to stop blabbering and escape.

Now they get trapped and lost and the guard actually makes it in to then be grabbed and dragged through a tunnel which led to a dead end. But for the guard to get in through a different way – means there is a way to escape right? Perhaps but I think I was more freaking out about the thing that broke his body to drag him through that tichy tunnel…

The Doctor again manages to press something and a wall moves and they are led to the home of the zombie kittys currently out for lunch. They walk past bones and feces (which there is a lot of from the start). They they find the Pharoah’s actually coffin and whilst reading the hyroglifics. Daddy get’s his heart ripped out by this massive being. Turns out this is no other than the God Anubis himself. The tomb was actually built to imprison this crazed dog. He had tried to escape Hades to heaven by eating peoples hearts in an attempt to eat a pure heart. After many death, he was captured and buried alive. So daddy is somehow still alive and Anubis holds his hearts, weighs it on a scale then eats it, Daddy turns to dust. Noora freaks out and well Fitzie becomes the hero or so he thinks. They figure out the way to escape in the room while Anubis goes for a stroll.

As they climb out both are gra bbed down. Fitzie is miraculously still alive! Till Anubis steps on his face. It’s Noora’s turn but conveniantly she picked up a tomahawk in the tomb and uses it to cut free and shank Anubis. She tries to escape…again. Does better as the zombie kitties go awol and start eating Anubis.

Is there light at the other end of the tunnel, after a long 10minutes of her struggling to climb up and drag her carcass to what looks like is an opening. She falls you see her face is diseased with the same infection as Sunny and that all of them contracted at the start when the tomb was opened. A child runs towards her picks up her camera and then she whispers faintly ‘Help me’ to what I thought was the kid running off with her camera, was actually Anubis dragging both back down in !

It’s hard to rate this movie, it was amusing and made me jump at times and the actual CGI for Anubis was pretty good. But sadly not enough detail, this could of easily been a 2hour movie and I would of thoroughly enjoyed it unlike Cabin in the Woods – which was dragged on confusion with a hundred points but nothing elaborated upon. Nice seeing James Buckley in it making it a better film overall. The Pyramid was a great idea left incomplete but I was entertained. Also loved the metal soundtrack that accompanied it !

7/10

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